Meeting You Was A Mistake
by PopPunkRocker4321
Summary: "The rise and fall, the pain of it all, Tomoya still remembered every single moment with his wife, Nagisa Okazaki." A deeper look into Tomoya Okazaki's five year depression. TomoyaXNagisa.


**A/N: So I finished watching Clannad After Story the other day, and I can honestly say it's one of the most touching anime I have ever watched. I was awestruck at its heartbreaking beauty, and how well the characters had developed. **

**Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy this oneshot. Remember to leave a review; criticism is most welcomed!**

* * *

_**Meeting You was a Mistake**_

He couldn't, for the life of him, describe the feeling that was in him at the time. Sadness? No. Despair? No. Emptiness? No.

There was no feeling; Tomoya Okazaki felt nothing.

He knew what it felt like for a father to first hold his child in his arms. He also knew what it felt like for a husband to lose his wife.

* * *

1 year had passed.

For the past year, old highschool friends such as Ryou and Youhei constantly called Tomoya to ask how he was doing. The last time he saw them was at _her _funeral, and he barely spoke a word to them. Tomoya, of course, never picked up the phone, and his worried friends eventually gave up.

Tomoya couldn't bring himself to properly raise his daughter, and so he gave Ushio to Sanae and Akio's care.

Tomoya, with an unshaven beard and wearing sloppy clothing, walked into the Furukawa Bakery. The breads were neatly stacked on the shelves, and the fresh aroma filled the room. Since no one else was in the room at the time, he snatched a rainbow coloured bun for himself and ate it, ignoring the bitter taste. He was hungry, and he only had a few granola bars left in his apartment.

Tomoya walked into the back of the store, which was where he used to live. In the guest room, he saw Sanae and Akio, who both greeted him. Sanae was feeding Ushio, while Akio was showing off his pitching arm and spouting nonsensical jokes. Both of the parents were wearing smiles that almost made Tomoya sick to his stomach. Ushio stopped chewing and stared at Tomoya intently, but Tomoya avoided looking back at her.

He walked to the back of the store, with no reason whatsoever. In Sanae and Akio's room, on the table, he found an unopened cigarette pack. Shrugging to himself, he grabbed one and put it in between his lips. He picked up a match and lit it. Tomoya shakily held the small flame next to the tip of the cigarette, and once it was lit, he inhaled a deep breath. A warm and lukewarm feeling then spread itself in his stomach. He exhaled, letting out a huge puff of smoke.

_Hmm… not bad._ Tomoya stuffed the packs of cigarettes and matches into his pocket and immediately left the building.

* * *

2 years had passed.

Puffing smoke, Tomoya entered the casino. He had been working nonstop at the electrical company. He limited his conversations with his co-workers to only business-related material, even with Yusuke Yoshino. Tomoya caused great concern for his partner and his manager, accepting little to no breaks. Yusuke had even snapped at him once, saying that he's eventually going to break down from all the work, but Tomoya told him not to worry and that he enjoyed the work.

Tomoya cashed in three quarters of his monthly pay for tokens at the register and a bit more for some alcohol. He made his way to the games. He observed at the vast amount of people whose eyes were glued onto the screens. There were rich couples, homeless people, businessmen, and others alike.

Tomoya sat down at a random seat. He stared at the screen, which flashed the amount of tokens he needed to start playing and the fast cartoon animations. He must have looked confused as he was, because the businessman next to him chuckled.

"Hey," he said. "You need some help, there?"

The next morning, he found himself lying in his bed in his home with a note in his hand from Akio. It told him how Akio found him lying on the street, and that he needed to take better care of himself. He groaned, feeling lightheaded from the excruciating hangover. Crumpling the sheet of paper and tossing it aside, he scrambled for his bed sheets and returned to his much-needed slumber.

_I'm starting to become like my dad…_

* * *

"Daddy?"

Tomoya's eyes shot open, waking up from his little nap. He looked down at Ushio, who was three years old at the time, staring up at him. He was in the storage room, paying his monthly visit to the Furukawa Bakery (Sanae constantly called him to give him a reminder, though Tomoya would often make up an excuse to not come). Akio was elsewhere, baking the bread. Sanae was standing in the corner of the room, looking at Tomoya with a sweet smile, as if telling him to reply back.

Tomoya observed how much Ushio had grown. She was still very short and petite, though her light brown hair had grown down to her neck on the back. Her wide brown eyes stared into his; her orbs sparked with curiosity and interest. She was wearing a small blue dress.

"Daddy?" Ushio repeated. Her voice was high pitched and soft, almost like the cute squeak of a mouse. Now that he thought about it, Tomoya had wondered how much she could speak. He had never been alone in a room with his biological daughter, and so he barely spoke with her. The only words he ever heard her say were 'daddy', 'pee', and 'poop'.

Tomoya tore his gaze away from her. "I'm sorry," he said to Sanae, who frowned in return. "I have to go to work." He bid Sanae goodbye and ignored Ushio waving farewell with her small hand.

Tomoya actually didn't have work that day; it was, in fact, one of his few day offs. If he had to be perfectly honest with himself, Tomoya felt as if he _had_ to get out of that room as soon as possible. It was not only because Ushio was starting to physically resemble _her_…

It was mainly because the small Dango plush toy Ushio was holding at the time made him feel uncomfortable.

* * *

Four years had passed.

Tomoya and Akio Furukawa were walking across the park where the two used to play baseball together. Akio offered to pitch him a few balls, but Tomoya refused. Nevertheless, Akio still decided to bring his glove and ball and toss it in the air.

"So how are you doing, Tomoya?" Akio asked his son in law.

"Fine, thank you," Tomoya mumbled back, looking down at his feet. The two continued to converse about various subjects, such as baseball, work, and Sanae's awful bread.

"You know," Akio began, "if you run into any financial problems, or any other problems for that matter, don't hesitate to ask me for anything."

Tomoya nodded. Akio and Sanae had told him this many times. He was then wondering about the point of Akio's sudden meeting with him, and sure enough, Akio hit him with the question.

"Now, about Ushio…"

Tomoya winced. "Yes," he immediately replied. "Again, I'd like to thank you for taking care of her. You have no idea –"

"Let me finish," Akio growled. He caught the ball mid air and stopped tossing it. "Now, don't get me wrong, taking care of her is no trouble at all for me and Sanae. In fact, it's a great pleasure; she's great company, and above all, she's family."

Tomoya nodded, beginning to fear where the conversation was headed.

"But it's been four years now, Tomoya. She's been getting more curious about not only you, but about _her_ as well. She keeps asking us about you almost every night."

"Yeah, so?" Tomoya grumbled. "What's the issue here?"

"You know very well we can't tell her about the past; you're the father and that's something your supposed to do."

Tomoya scoffed. "I'm sure you'll be able to tell her everything in due time," he said. "It may take a while, but Ushio'll grow up eventually."

Akio frowned. "I don't like your attitude, brat," he snarled. "Can you even hear yourself? Do you even know what the hell you're saying? You're her father!"

"NO I'M NOT!" Tomoya cried. He balled his fists, his nails sinking into his palms. "I lost that right ever since…since…" He clenched his eyes shut; he had wept too many tears for her.

"Tomoya, listen to me," Akio said, grabbing Tomoya's shoulders with his hands. Tomoya instantly pulled away, but Akio continued anyways. "It's hard. I get it. It's been fucking hell for you. I understand; it's the same for Sanae and me! Do you know how hard it is for us to keep our fake smiles? We're doing it for Ushio; we're doing your job! Did you know Sanae hasn't cried since…that day?"

Tomoya gritted his teeth, looking back down at the ground, remaining silent.

"But don't get me wrong, brat. This isn't a matter of responsibility; hell no," Akio growled. "It's about what Ushio needs! She needs her father – her real father! Ushio needs you to comfort her when she's down."

Tomoya's lips began to quiver. _Shut up, old man... just shut…_

"So, Tomoya Okazaki, get your act together! Do you think Nagisa –"

"ENOUGH!" Tomoya boomed, silencing Akio, who was just as furious. "I've had enough!" He began to run away in the opposite direction; he couldn't stand another minute.

"YOU'RE PATHETIC!"

Tomoya ignored his father in law's cry and continued to run.

"Oh, fine, go ahead. Run, brat, run! Do whatever the hell you want!" Akio called out. "But give me a call when you actually start giving a shit and stop wasting your life away!"

* * *

Five years had passed.

It was late at night. Lying on the floor, Tomoya had nothing to do but stare at the white ceiling of his apartment. He had just come home from work and was still wearing his gray uniform. Empty tequila and sake bottles were scattered across the room, and the apartment stunk of smoke. Food containers and wrappers were scattered everywhere as well, as Tomoya never found the time, nor did he really care, to cook for himself.

He slowly stood up, feeling sharp pain in his back. Dragging his aching body to the washroom to brush his teeth, he examined himself in the stained mirror. His blue hair was in even more of a mess, and bags have formed under his eyes. His skin was pale and dry, and he almost looked like a ghost. Also, the last time he checked, he found that he had lost a lot of weight.

Tomoya bit his lip. _I could really use a smoke right about now…_ Nodding to himself, he set down his toothbrush (he at least had the decency to brush his teeth _after _smoking) and went inside the living room. He scavenged around through loose clothing, trying to find a cigarette pack. After finding one in a coat pocket, he then proceeded to search for a match. He then stuffed his hand in a jean pocket, and while pulling the small box of matches out, a picture fell out with it. It landed on the floor face down. Curious to see what the picture was of, he picked it up and flipped it, only to regret it soon after.

It was a picture of Nagisa.

Tomoya's eyes shot wide open as he dropped the boxes of matches and cigarettes.

She was in her white summer dress, holding a Dango plush toy tightly to her chest. He remembered that by the time he took this photo, she was already one month into pregnancy with Ushio.

_No… no… stay out of my head!_

He clenched his eyes and shook his head violently. It had been five years, yet every memory of her would always come back to haunt him. Tomoya still remembered everything: the happiness they felt, the hardships they faced, and everything else. He recalled all the walks they took, the dates they went on, and the endless amount of times they held hands for comfort. The rise and fall, the pain of it all, Tomoya still remembered every single moment with his wife, Nagisa Okazaki.

_Her death was my fault. If she never met me… if I had never talked to her down that hill, none of this would ever have happened! She never would have died; she would be alive! She would be with someone other than me – someone better than me. Why… why did she have to love me? I c-couldn't even protect her! All those months I've worked to make sure she has a safe delivery wasn't enough. I can't even raise Ushio, our daughter! _

_Meeting you, Nagisa, was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my pathetic life. _

Tomoya knew what he had to do; he knew it was time. He crouched down to take the box of matches and he lit one. Slowly, he brought the picture close to the tiny flame.

It was time to say goodbye to the man who loved Nagisa Okazaki.

Nearer and nearer, the picture came to its demise. Tomoya's whole body was shaking.

_Goodbye Nagisa…_

His teeth chattered, and his hands shook. His eyes were dead focused on the tip of the picture closest to the fire, but then his eyes then moved towards the photo itself.

_Goodbye…_

_Her smile... her eyes... _

"FUCK!" The hand that held the match tore itself as far away as it could from the other. Tears streamed down Tomoya's pale and dry face as he blew the flame away and stared at the picture.

_... that look of happiness Tomoya himself once had and lost._

He was tempted to light a new match and redo it, but he knew that he'd never go through with it.

_She's too beautiful._

Tomoya was shivering and wiping away his snotty tears as he fell down against the wall, not tearing his eyes away from the picture for a single millisecond. All the emotions he hid from everyone finally came to light.

He felt cold. He felt lost. He felt alone. He felt a hole in his heart. He felt empty.

"Nagisa…" Tomoya wept, burying his face in his hands. The tears ran down his shirt and stained even the photo, but he didn't care. "Help me, Nagisa. What am I supposed to do? Save me… please… I'm begging you…"

He closed his eyes, and after an hour of nothing but tears, Tomoya slowly drifted to sleep, holding the picture to his chest.

The next day, he woke up to the doorbell. After struggling to get up, he opened the door to see Sanae's smiling face.

* * *

_Is there one thing, one thing, only I can protect?_

* * *

Tomoya Okazaki stood there breathless. He couldn't, for the life of him, describe the feeling that was in him at the time. Happiness? No. Joy? No. Fulfillment? That sounded about right. In his arms, there, right there, was a crying baby. Its skin was wrinkled, wet, and red, which was expected of a newborn. Its mouth was wide open, letting out cries and letting tears run into there.

It was beautiful. It was his, no, his and Nagisa's baby. A warm smile formed on Tomoya's face. Is this what it felt like for a father to first hold his child in his arms? His eyes turned to the sleeping Nagisa, who was lying on the floor. Sweat shined on her face as deep breaths escaped her slightly opened mouth.

"Nagisa?" Tomoya spoke softly, but not a muscle in her body dared to even twitch. "Nagisa?" He repeated, still getting no reply. "Nagisa…?" Tomoya held the crying baby in one arm, and with the other, reached down to softly hold his wife's hand.

"Nagisa!"

The brunette's eyes slowly fluttered. Her mouth moved ever so slightly. "…Tomoya…" she said in a weak voice.

Tomoya sighed in relief. "I'm here!" he cried. "I'm right here!" He grinned. "You can hear it, right? The voice of our child crying?"

"…Yes…"

The man raised the baby to Nagisa's face. "Look," he said. "I'm the first one to hug her!"

"Yes. She's…beautiful…"

_Yes she is, Nagisa. She really is beautiful._ "It's our child. This is Ushio."

"U-Ushio…"

"It's a girl! It's a lively girl!" Tomoya's smile did not falter. He felt as if he were a little boy who found a new toy."

Nagisa, who's eyes were half open, said," Yes… I'm glad I was able to have her at home, though I made Ushio go through extra trouble."

Tomoya slowly shook his head. _Typical Nagisa; she's always taking the blame for others._ "Well done," he said, his voice filled with happiness and pride. "You've done a great job."

The lying woman's eyes began to struggle to remain open. "But… I'm a little tired now…" she whispered. "May I rest for a while now…?"

Those words ran through Tomoya, making his spine shiver. From where he was in his small apartment, he could hear Sanae's and Akio's voices, but he was to deep in his thoughts on Nagisa to make out what they said. _Nagisa, no! You don't mean…!"_

"Nagisa… hold on, Nagisa! Let's talk for a little more; you can just listen to me!" He cried, forcing himself to keep the smile on his face. Small tears began to form in his eyes. He brought the crying Ushio up to Nagisa's face again. "Look, it's our child! She looks like a monkey, right? So small too!" Tomoya chuckled, almost hysterically.

"I'm going to call her now, okay?" He looked at the baby, though making sure he could still clearly look into Nagisa's eyes. "Ushio… I'm your daddy, Ushio. She's your mommy. Look!" The baby continued to cry, and Tomoya laughed. "She ignored me. Yeah, of course, she doesn't know what I'm saying!" He continued to smile at Nagisa.

Nagisa returned a weak and small smile. Her eyes were closed three quarters, yet Tomoya could still see the beauty in them; the magical brown orbs he fell in love with. Her breathing began to shorten, and the hand that was held in his started to grow cold.

"I-I'm sure she'll grow fast, enter elementary school. Then we'd go to the open house and sports day together," he continued to speak frantically. The desperation to keep his wife alive could be heard in his shaky voice. "We'll participate as a family. I used to be the one that scoffed at stuff like that the most."

Nagisa didn't reply, and her eyes then closed. "Nagisa?" The cold hand slipped out of his. The soft thud on the ground was like a deafening gunshot to Tomoya's ears. He gasped. _This, no, this can't be happening!_ "Nagisa?" He lifted Nagisa's freezing dry hand to Ushio's warm soft cheek. "Feel that? It's Ushio's cheek! Yeah, feel that?" As he slowly let go of her hand, it immediately fell to the ground again. A tear fell out of Tomoya's eye as he saw that his wife's body was no longer breathing.

_No…NO!_

"Nagisa," he whispered. His lips began quivering as more tears rolled down his face. "You said you'll always be with me, right? You said you'll always be with me…We…we promised we will, many times, right? That's my dream. There's nothing good even if I lived. It's a boring life. It's a dream a guy, who used to think things like that, finally found.

"Hey…"

_It's… too late…_

_NO!_

"Nagisa."

_She's gone…_

"Nagisa!"

…_No…_

"NAGISA!"

Everything around him faded out, and all he could hear was his child's cries.

* * *

_Meeting you was a mistake; I just can't stop loving you._

* * *

**A/N: Well. Isn't this messy. Like I said, leave a review, and if you could, correct any mistake that I've made. It's been a while since I've written a truly sad piece of writing, and I don't know if even this makes the cut. Characters may seem OOC.**


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